- [Note: the video in which this transcript was made starts at point which seems likely that at least a small part of the beginning has been cut off, if someone could add any lines cut off it would be appreciated]
- [Scene: Northolt General Hospital. George and Janet, who is heavily pregnant, rush to reception.]
George: ...a [Note: He said *****ation unit, i haven't got a clue what unit though.] unit ready to go, E.G. on Max. And a Korean Nurse who's in love with a married surgeon
Janet: George you've got to stop watching E.R..
- [They pass reception.]
Receptionist: Just where do you think you're going?
George: [George and Janet go to reception] My wife is seriously pregnant.
Receptionist: First time?
George: Oh yes, one go was all i needed.
Janet: Please hurry, my last labor only took three minutes and they say second babies are quicker.
Receptionist: Okay if you'd like to go through there i'll get you a midwife.
Janet: And a net incase he starts to fly.
- [The people at reception appear shocked.]
- [Opening credits]
- [Janet prepares to give birth.]
Janet: [Moans in pain.] Oh George he's coming.
George: How do you know it's a he?
Janet: Okay, she's coming.
George: How do you know it's a he or a she, on Ultron we've got three g... [Janet appears nervous.] ...eh, don't think about that right now.
Janet: [Moans in Pain.] Oh, how could you do this to me!?
George: But you said you wanted another baby, i remember it as if it was yesterday, well it was yesterday.
Cassie: [Inside the Womb] And do get on with it.
Janet: Not another talker.
George: [bends down to Janet's baby bump] Hello little one, are you alright in there?
Cassie: Fine but if she doesn't hurry i'll be walking out.
George: Push Janet.
Janet: I'm trying to push!
Cassie: Push harder, i'm feeling claustrophobic, and so are the rest of the qwins.
Janet: [Shocked] Qwins!?
George: [Also shocked.] Qwins?
Cassie: Only joking, push mummy.
George: Janet, there is an Ultronian technique, which makes things quicker.
Janet: Do it, do anything.
Nurse: [walks in, putting her gloves on preparing to deliver the baby] Okay, so where's the little fella who's in such a big hurry.
- [George pushs down on the baby bump]
Cassie: [Shoots out of Janet, knocking the nurse down.] Wheee!
- [Janet is shocked.]
George: Well caught nurse.
Janet: We've got a baby daughter, and she's so beautiful.
George: She is, almost as beautiful as another beautiful lady.
Janet: [thinking he's referring to her] Ah.
George: Jennifer Lopez, you see her nose is identical and...
Janet: [irritated] George.
George: Oh you're pretty beautiful too, to me you're perfect.
Janet: She's adorable when she's asleep.
George: I know, d'you think she'd like a little sister? We could have one by tommorrow.
George: It won't take a mo.
Janet: No way.
George: Right, i heard you women go off sex after giving birth.
Janet: I gave birth ten minutes ago.
George: Exactly, ten whole minutes.
George: Well, one thing, you'll be pleased to know Ultron girls don't have the superpowers we men have.
Janet: Good. [Notices Cassie is holding something.] What's that she's holding in her little hand?
George: Oh let's have a little look. [Cassie squeaks as he picks it out of her hand.] It's just your appendix Janet.
Janet: My appendix?
George: She must have operated on you while she was inside, [proud tone] my daughter the doctor.
Janet: But she doesn't have any superpowers.
Cassie: It was going to burst at around 10:30 tonight mummy, trust me on this i had a vision.
- [Janet appears slightly tense.]
George: Ah, i forgot to mention, Ultron girls don't have us men's powers but they can tell the future.
Janet: Tell the future?
Cassie: I've had another vision, my name will be Cassandra, after that old prophetess lady, but you'll call me Cassie because i am so cute.
Cassie: There you go, what did i tell you.
- [Exterior shot of 57 Linden Court.]
- [Scene: 57 Linden Court, outside Tyler's door and Janet and George's door. Janet and George make their way home with Cassie.]
Cassie: Hang on this can't be right i am seeing a small one bedroom flat, and there's four of us.
George and Janet: [Both at the same time, they are clearly hiding something.] Umm yeah.
Cassie: I take it you married for love mummy.
Janet: You got that right. [Gazes at George who is smiling at her.]
- [Tyler comes out of his flat pushing Ollie in his pram, who is now a fourteen month old toddler.]
Janet: Hi Ollie.
Janet: Ollie, what do you say to your little sister.
Ollie: I hope you kept the reciept.
Cassie: Charming, and where did you come from, the reject shop?
Janet: George, we can't share a bedroom with them, can you imagine anything worse?
Tyler: You can sleep in my living room.
George: Yes well imagined, stay right there.
- [Tyler appears confused as George walks into the flat, in Ultronian superspeed he opens the broom-cupboard and throws out some of it's contents, he leaves and then enters with two wooden planks and builds something.]
George: Ta-da, it's the moment of truth on this week's changing rooms, will Janet like what George has done?
Cassie: Mummy, do you know anyone who's sane.
George: Close your eyes and come in slowly.
- [Janet pushes Cassie inside while Tyler, with his eyes closed, walks extremely slowly.]
George: [George, Janet and Cassie arrive at the broom-cupboard and George opens the door.] Over to the broom-cupboard and you... [notices Tyler isn't with them] where's Tyler?. [Tyler knocks down something, screaming.] Oh sorry Tyler, you can open your eyes now.
Janet: [Takes a look inside the broom-cupboard, which has been turned into a bedroom, complete with toys and a cot.] Wow this is incredible.
George: Well i am a superhero, i just built in three metres onto the back of the flat, it only took me a few seconds.
Janet: I can't believe it.
George: Go on, what am i?
Janet: An idiot, if it was this easy why didn't you do it when Ollie was born.
George: Right fair point, [to Cassie] Cassie what do you think?
Cassie: It is sweet daddy, but i was hoping for something more neo-Classical.
- [George nods]
- [Exterior shot of 57 Linden Court, only this time, unlike the first shot, there is a roomsized bulge on the top floor because of the newly created bedroom.]
- [Scene: 57 Linden Court, George, Janet and Tyler are admiring Cassie next to the sofa while Ollie is trying to impress them in next to the door of the kid's bedroom sitting on the potty.]
Ollie: Mummy, daddy, watch.
George: [to Cassie] You are so beautiful, yes you are.
Cassie: Wait till you see me at 16, Britney Spears eat your heart out.
Ollie: Look everyone, here it comes. [Morphs into his Thermosuit.] Did it, first Thermo potty change.
Janet: Oh look George, she's holding my finger.
Ollie: I can only keep it up for a few seconds so look before i... [morphs back into his normal clothes] ...oh you missed it.
Janet: [notices Ollie] Missed what Darling.
Ollie: Forget it.
George: What's up with him?
Janet: Sibling rivalry, George we can't leave them on their own together. We need someone to be here while we're out at work.
Tyler: [puts his hand up] Oo oo i know, i know who.
George: [to Janet] It'll have to be someone we can trust.
Tyler: [growing more anxious] I know, i know.
Janet: But who could we get who knows about Ultronian children?
George: I know who, the answer's right under your nose.
George and Janet: [Both turn to Tyler, surprised.] You?
Tyler: [unsarcastic] No Mary Poppins, [points to the window] she's outside feeding the birds.
George: Don't worry Janet, i'll put in a thought request for an Ultronian au pair. [George squats as a humming sound pops up.] Yep, they're three requests, they're gonna send them down now for us to vet.
Janet: Well i just hope they're suitable. [gets up and stands with George to meet them]
George: Oh they'll be perfect.
- [A blonde woman walks in.]
Inga: Hi i'm Inga, i will be perfect helper. I will make lots of phone calls, ignore the childrens and will walk around the house dressed in my under clothing when you're husband is around.
George: [George is satisfied] Well sounds good to me you're hired.
Janet: No George.
Tyler: Can i have an au pair?
Janet: No, next!
- [A man walks in]
Brad: Hi, i'm Brad, you're new nanny, well manny, we're all the range on Ultron. [to Janet] And you must be the mother you gorgeous...
- [Janet is flattered.]
- [A Dog walks in.]
Dog: I've read Peter Pan and i think i'd be perfect.
George and Janet: Shoo! Shoo!
- [The Dog leaves.]
Janet: This is hopeless.
George: There's only one thing for it Janet, one of us is going to have to give up work. And in this age of the new man, and the need for women, i think that person should be me.
Janet: You really mean that?
George: No of course not. [chuckles] Get real Janet.
Janet: I can't stay at home all day not with a talking flying toddler and Mystic Meg there. I'll go bonkers, couldn't Tyler help?
George: That's a thought, you do know the kids, Tyler.
Tyler: [points] Plus...
Janet: You're already bonkers.
- [Tyler smiles.]
George: And we wouldn't have to pay him anything. [to Tyler] Tyler, you've got the job.
Tyler: Wow! From unpaid Health Shop assistant to unpaid nann, and me dad said i'd never make anything of myself. I'll go and get my stuff. [Tyler walks to the door and opens it to see Arnie, who is holding something behind his back] Hi Arnie. [Arnie pats him on the back.]
George: Hey Arnie.
Arnie: Hey daddy.
George and Arnie: Zneet.
Arnie: Is it a girl?
Janet: It is indeed, Cassandra.
Arnie: Ahh, well Cassie, has your uncle Arnie got something for you. [Shows her an issue of Racing Post.] Racing Post, who's gonna win the 2-15 at New Market?
Cassie: Percy's folly, 10 to 1.
- [George turns the TV on.]
Commentator: [on TV] And coming up on the far side it's Percy's folly, this is an incredible moment it's Percy's folly by one metre.
Arnie: You and me are gonna be such good friends.
Cassie: I want 50%, i'm saving up for a place of my own.
Ollie: [in his play area] Good, i'll chip in my pocket money.
Arnie: Done, now who have you got down for the cup final?
Janet: [firm tone] Arnie.
Arnie: Okay i'm going. [to Cassie] And a Zneet Znadders Zneet to you. [He walks out.]
Janet: George i'm not having my daughter gambling.
George: Nor i am i, Cassie you're forbidden, do you understand?
Cassie: I can see we're going to have a big row about this daddy.
George: That's fine by me.
Cassie: And i can see you're going to lose it, so i'd save yourself the bother.
George: Okay you win.
George: She can see what's going to happen.
Janet: Don't just give up, who's in charge in this family?
George: She is.
Janet: No she's not you're her father, act like it.
George: Okay. [prepares to leave]
Janet: Where are you going?
George: To the pub, that's what father's do.
Janet: Don't you dare, [points to Cassie] she is not running our lives.
George: I think i'm getting post natal depression. [sits down]
Cassie: Mummy, i've had a vision, the enemy is approaching the gates.
George: [The doorbell rings, George gets up to open the door.] Don't be silly, we don't have any e...[George opens the door to see Ella and Stanley.]...oh i see what you mean.
Ella: Where is she, where's our lovely new grandaughter. [Ella sees Cassie and gasps in amazement.]
Janet: Her name's Cassie.
Ella: [dissapointed] Nevermind, isn't she a little poppet.
Stanley: Hello Cassie lass.
Ella: She's got your eyes Janet.
Janet: You think so?
Stanley: And you're cute little nose.
George: And there's a bit of me in there too.
Ella: Don't worry Janet, children can change. [to Cassie] We would have brought you a present darling but mummy didn't tell us you were coming.
Janet: Our children seem to come very suddenly, Ollie was the same.
Ella: Well i hope this one's a bit more brightful than Ollie.
George: Ollie is bright, he was reading today.
Ella: Oh yes, reading what?
Ella: You see, fourteen months and he still can't say any proper words.
Ollie: [offended] What?
George: [interrupts Ollie] Okay thank you Ollie.
Janet: You'll have to go mum, Cassie needs a nap.
Ella: Why is it that i can never see my grandchildren for more than five minutes at a time?
George: You've got to build them up gradually Ella, they don't have our resistance.
Stanley: Right well we're, [notices the new bedroom] good lord, i never knew that was there.
Janet: Didn't you?
Stanley: [looks inside] I thought it were a cupboard.
Janet: No-no it's always been there, i just suppose the door was normally closed, [to Ella] you knew it was a bedroom didn't you mum?
Ella: Yes, yes of course i did. [walks in the room] Your father doesn't notice anything Janet, if i died tommorrow he wouldn't notice.
Stanley: Hmm i think i would.
Cassie: [speaks quietly to Janet] Mummy i've had a vision, an accident with the lights.
Stanley: Nice room, nice light. [prepares to switch it on]
Janet: No don't touch that!
Stanley: What love?
Janet: Oh nothing, it's just the switch is a bit dodgy.
Stanley: Oh, right.
Janet: [to Cassie] Well done you clever girl.
Ella: Yes, as bedrooms go it's not a bad little state. [the Celling light falls on Ella's head, knocking her out.]
[Exterior shot of Northolt Health Centre.]
- [Scene: Northolt Health Centre. Mrs. Raven is on the phone.]
Mrs. Raven: I hardly think you can blame us My. Wyatt. You came in with a crushed hand and Dr. Crispin quite rightly sent you to the A&E for immediate surgery. Yeah, i've got a copy of his note to 'em 'ere. [reads the note] "Please attend to my paitent, i believe the thumb of his left hand can be saved, his fingers on the other hand, are beyond repair and require immediate amputation." Fingers on the other hand? Oh yeah, now i'm beginning to see where the misunderstanding arose. [receives a reply on the phone] Oh theres no need to take that tone Mr. Wyatt, if you think about it, it's actually quite funny. [receives a reply on the phone] Oh you'd like to throttle me would ya, what with?
- [George and Janet arrive with Cassie in her pram.]
Janet: Morning Mrs. Raven, we'd like you to meet our new little baby daughter Cassie.
Mrs. Raven: Ah, come to auntie Mrs. Raven.
Cassie: I'm scared daddy.
George: It'll be fine i'm scared too.
Mrs. Raven: [walks over to see Cassie] Oh, ello ugly little wrinkly, welcome to a world of woe, and pain and unremitting misery until the day that you finally...
Janet: [stops her] Yes Mrs. Raven.
Mrs. Raven: Anyway, i've got you a little present yes i have.
Janet: [takes the box] Oh thank you, this is exciting isn't it Cassie i wonder what's in here. [opens it to see it contain's nothing] Nothing.
Mrs. Raven: Yeah, well they like to play with the box when they're little, waste of money putting anything inside.
Janet: Oh right, [sarcasticly] lovely.
Mrs. Raven: So, was the birth painful?
Janet: Er pretty painful yes.
Mrs. Raven: Good, and did they have to smack her to get her breathing?
Janet: Oh no nothing like that.
Mrs. Raven: Pity, that's the only time you can smack 'em these days.
Piers: [walks out of his office] Ah, Janet, and can i just say today is a very special day.
Janet: Oh that's very kind of you.
Piers: [walks past Mrs. Raven and stands next to her] Because today, i've been picked to take part in I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.
Janet: Well, we've got some pretty exciting news too.
Piers: Have you?
Janet: I've just had another baby.
Piers: It's not as exciting as mine. I fly out this afternoon.
Janet: Oh that soon?
Piers: I'm a last minute replacement for Peter Mandelson. Mandy couldn't make it so, who do they ring?
Mrs. Raven: Everyone but they were busy.
Piers: I'm already a star but if i win this i could become a superstar, i might even have to give up being a Doctor.
George: Well i hope you do win Piers.
Several waiting Paitents: Yeah.
Piers: Thank you.
- [Ella and Stanley arrive]
Ella: Piers thank goodness you're here.
Janet: Mum are you alright?
Ella: Do i look alright? It's that light fitting, my head's still throbbing, Stanley thinks i might have delayed concussion.
Stanley: That's right, any chance Doctor?
Piers: [walks over to Ella] Lets take a look.
Stanley: Maybe she needs a couple of nights in hospital, or even a week?
Piers: We'll see, right Ella, let's take a look in your eyes.
Janet: [moves to Cassie with George] What vision?
Cassie: I see granny dead.
Janet: Oh, everybody dies eventually darling.
Cassie: In a few hours time.
Cassie: Fraid so mummy.
Janet: Oh, George, can Ultronian females get it wrong.
George: No, never, your mother's going to die.
Janet: There must be something you could do?
George: Well i could book the undertaker in advance but, that's a bit of a giveaway.
Janet: No, do to stop it. Cassie can you be a bit more specific?
Cassie: I was only born this morning, i only get the headline stuff.
Janet: Maybe it's this head injury. George, go and look inside my mum's head.
George: But i've only just eaten, besides, she's been examined by a doctor he's not gonna miss something serious.
Piers: [feels the right side of Ella's head] Oh that's a very nasty lump you've got there Ella.
Ella: That's my ear, [points to the top of her head] the bruise is up here.
George: One the other hand, maybe i should check her over.
- [George walks around Ella, she and Stanley notice him.]
Ella: Yes George, can i help you?
George: No thank you Ella, just browsing.
Ella: Stanley, tell George to stop looking at me.
Stanley: George, don't upset yourself.
George: [walks to Janet] She's fine, there's nothing wrong with her.
Janet: There must be.
George: There isn't.
Janet: Maybe she's going to have an accident.
George: Or maybe there's a contract outing her, i'm sure a lot of people would...
Janet: We musn't let her out of our sight, we're gonna have to spend the rest of the day with her.
George: What, that's six hours.
Janet: D'you want to come back to our house?
Ella: Why, you want to injury me again, that place is a deathtrap.
Janet: We'd just like to spend sometime with you.
George: Before you die...
Ella: Don't be silly darling i've got things to do, come along Stanley.
- [Ella and Stanley leave.]
Janet: Go after her, if she walks in front of a bus i want you there.
George: Driving it?
Janet: Stopping it.
George: Oh right Janet.
Janet: Don't let her see you, i don't want her to get worried.
Cassie: Hmm, [to Cassie] next time you keep your mouth shut.
- [Piers and Mrs. Raven look at George, confused. He notices them and leaves.]
- [Ella and Stanley are walking through the park followed by George.]
Ella: So you go to the bank and the library and i'll meet you outside the supermarket in two hours exactly.
Stanley: [checks his watch] Righto.
- [George runs behind a bush as they notice something and turn around. They move, on as George walks out of the bush after walking in on a couple having sex in the bush.]
George: Sorry sorry. [to Janet on the phone] They're heading towards Ashburton Road, of course they haven't seen me Janet, i'm a Superhero i do know what i'm doing.
Ella: [to Stanley] Is he still following us?
Stanley: I'll just check.
- [George jumps into a bush as Stanley turns around.]
Stanley: Yes, he's still following us.
Ella: The man's clearly insane. [Shocked as a Dog barks in the bush.]
Stanley: [relieved] He may not be following us for much longer.
- [Scene: Northolt Health Centre. Janet is standing next to Mrs. Raven at reception.]
Mrs. Raven: You alright Janet?
Janet: Yeah i'm just worried about my mother.
Piers: She's fine, she'll live for decades yet.
Mrs. Raven: No wonder you're worried.
Piers: [walks out of his office dressed in a an outfit for I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, with the slogan "Go Crispin Go" on his T-shirt.] What do you think Sheilas?
Janet: [sits down with Cassie] Well i like the T-shirt, it says what we're all thinking.
Piers: Thank you, and i continue with the Aussie theme on the back. [shows them the slogan on his back "VOTE FOR ME, THE FLYING DOCTOR".]
Mrs. Raven: Oh look, there's a bit of loose cotton. [rips off the F on "FLYING" on Piers' shirt, changing it into "VOTE FOR ME, THE LYING DOCTOR".] There, that's better.
Janet: Excellant, so you're all ready for the Bush Tucker Trials?
Piers: Certainly am, Cobbers.
Janet: You're not frightened of being stuck in a tent full of snakes?
Piers: Not in the least Janet.
Piers: Because they're not real snakes they're animatronic.
- [Ella and Stanley leave.]
Janet: Who told you that?
Piers: Mrs. Raven, [to Mrs. Raven] you read it somewhere didn't you Mrs. R?
Mrs. Raven: Yes i did indeed.
Piers: It all makes perfect sense after all i am a celebrity, a national treasure. It's only idiots who get into tanks full of real snakes.
Janet: I'll agree with that, and what about the ten inch worms you have to eat?
Piers: Jelly babies, Janet. [to Mrs. Raven] Bless, she is so naive.
Mrs. Raven: Some people'll believe anything Dr. Crispin.
Piers: I know, well, we'd better finish packing. Come on Mrs. R, you can help me apply my mosquito repellant.
- [Piers walks into his office.]
Mrs. Raven: You won't need that, they're animatronic too, it's all done in a studio in Melbourne.
- [Mrs. Raven follows Piers in his office and turns to Janet, smiling at her.]
Ella: [walks in with a new hairstyle] Janet, will you please tell your creepy husband to stop following me.
Janet: Following you? He was probably just, going the same way.
Ella: In the ladie's hairdressers?
- [George walks in with Ella's new hairstyle, Janet is speechless.]
George: What d'ya think? I quite like it.
Ella: [points at George] Just keep away from me. [walks off]
Janet: You idiot, this is a disaster.
'George: I know, forty quid that hairdo cost me, she's only going to get a couple of hour's use out of it.
Cassie: Mummy, i've had another vision, i'm seeing someone else dead.
Janet: The mood i'm in it's probably you're father.
Cassie: I'm seeing grandpa dead.
Cassie: Yes and, Mrs. Raven, i'm seeing Mrs. Raven dead, and Uncle Arnie and Nanny Tyler.
- [Piers walks into his office.]
Janet: Everyone we know that's terrible.
Cassie: Except Doctor Crispin, i'm not seeing him dead.
George: That's truly terrible.
Janet: Yes darling?
Cassie: I'm seeing you dead.
- [George and Janet appear tense.]
- [Exterior shot of 57 Linden Court.]
- [Scene: 57 Linden Court. Arnie and Tyler are on the sofa where George tells them the bad news.]
Arnie: This is really awful cous, i don't know what to say.
Tyler: Neither do i.
Arnie: Piers Crispin on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here?
George: I know.
Janet: [walks out of the bedroom] [to George] Have you told them yet?
George: I'm just building up to it.
Arnie: Building up to what?
George: I'm telling you that, that, Piers thinks the snakes they use aren't really, they're animatronic.
'George: Can you believe that Tyler?
Tyler: I certainly can because it's true.
George: No it's not true the snakes are really.
Tyler: Don't give me that, [sniggers] you'll be telling me next Ant and Dec are real.
George: Ant and Dec are real.
Tyler: They're animatronic, think about it that's why they can do so many shows.
George: No Tyler they're real, it's Simon Cowell who's animatronic.
Janet: George, just tell them about what's going to happen.
George: Okay, Cassie's had a premonition, she says you're both, about to die.
George: She doesn't know who but it's later today, so we thought you ought to know, so you can spend your last few hours...
Arnie: Feeling really miserable thanks alot cous.
George: No, doing all the things you love doing.
Arnie: While feeling really miserable, great.
George: I don't think we thought this through Janet.
Arnie: [stands up] There is one thing i can do, something that'll give my life meaning.
Arnie: I'm gonna give Mrs. Raven a baby, bring a little Arnie in the world.
'George: Right, couldn't you just give her flowers, she's about to die too.
- [Arnie sits back down, sad.]'
Janet: [Goes to comfort Tyler.] Tyler are you alright?
Tyler: I can't take it in.
Janet: I know.
Tyler: Ant and Dec are really real.
Janet: [Goes to the armchair.] For god's sake.
George: I'll see i've Cassie's got anymore information.
Arnie: Ah cheer us up some more why don't ya.
George: Cassie darling, daddy needs to know, how many people you see dead.
Cassie: Everyone, i see everyone dead.
Janet: Everyone in the world?
Cassie: No i don't see them dead in the land of Kangaroos, and lager and Home and Away.
Janet: Australia, [realises] it isn't just us and Mum and Dad it's everyone in the Northern Hemisphere.
Arnie: Well whoopty doo.
Janet: That's why Piers is okay because he's going to the other side of the world.
George: [sighs in frustration] I have to do something. [sniffs for disasters]
Janet: What are you getting?
George: Nothing, no disease no meteor, nothing.
Janet: Maybe Cassie's mistaken.
George: Ultronian girls are never mistaken, i've got an idea, i know what to do. [leaves]
Janet: Oh thank goodness, [walks towards Cassie] Cassie, your father is a very, very wondeful man.
Cassie: I've had another vision, you won't be saying that in five minutes.
- [Janet is confused.]
- [Scene flash]
- [The BBC News ident plays on the TV.]
Continuity Announcer: We interrupt this programme for an important newsflash.
Natasha Kaplinsky: [on the news] Good afternoon here is an urgent message from Thermoman.
Thermoman: [in the studio] Hello everyone, i'm afraid i have to tell you that the entire Northern Hemisphere is about to be wiped out in just a few hours time. Don't ask me how, could be a meteor or a climatic disaster, your guess is as good as mine. So if you'd all like to make your way in an orderly fashion southwards, to Australia. [Thermoman's seat is pushed as Natasha runs out of the studio in a panic.]
- [Janet turns the tv off and Arnie appears embarrassed on the sofa.]
Cassie: What did i tell you mummy?
George: [comes back and takes his helmet off] How was that?
Janet: That was it, go to Australia that was your brilliant idea?
George: I didn't say it was a brilliant idea i just said it was an idea.
Tyler: Well i think it's brilliant, i'm off to Sydney.
- [Tyler holds up a card saying "Sydney" with his thumb up.]
George: I'm just gonna tell people to gather in town centres and i'm gonna come along with a big net, and sweep them up and fly them to Australia. A good idea hey Arnie?
Arnie: I'm coming with you Tyler you're idea's better.
Janet: And how exactly are you going to tell people about this big net?
George: On the television.
Janet: There isn't any television, look they've all gone [Janet channel surfs, all the channels don't work apart from an Australian channel currently showing the news.] Oh apart from Australian television.
Australian News Presenter: In an unprecedented public broadcast, Thermoman has just urged the entire Northern Hemisphere to move down under, in total disregard to our strict immigration policy.
George: I'll have to do something else.
Janet: Before you do anything you're going to take us and my parents, right now this very minute.
George: Janet i can't have favourites, it's one of the Ultronian rules, no favourites, women and children first, Tara Palmer Tomkinson last.
Janet: I don't know, take a few other people first and then us.
George: Okay [takes his helmet on and leaves].
- [Scene: 57 Linden Court, later on, Ella, Stanley and Mrs. Raven have arrived. Ella is holding her bag on the armchair, Stanley is getting his golfset and Arnie and Mrs. Raven are embracing each other on the sofa.]
Ella: Well i hope he doesn't fly us too fast that's all, i just had my hair set.
Janet: We're very lucky to be chosen mum, and i thought i said essentials only.
Ella: [points to several holiday suitcases next to her] These are essentials, we don't know how long we're going for.
Stanley: Well i suppose this is a bit extravagant, [takes out a golf club] i don't need the six iron.
Janet: Tyler. [makes a gesture telling him to not take the hat rack and birdcage he's carrying]
Tyler: Oh it's okay, they'll go in Mary Poppins' carpet back [holds the bag up].
Janet: Right, and what about the triplets Mrs. Raven will they be joining us?
Mrs. Raven: No they managed to get a plane out.
Stanley: Good lord they're very lucky.
Mrs. Raven: Not really, they highjacked it. [to Janet] How much longer are we gonna have to wait?
Janet: Until it's our turn, he's saving some people in Barnsley, [nervously disguises that Thermoman is George] so i'm told.
Ella: I've never met anyone from Barnsley worth saving.
Janet: [the doorbell rings] It's alright i'll get it. [opens for door to reveal an irritated Piers in his jungle kit with a large backpack] Piers, i thought you were flying out.
Piers: I was, some kids highjacked the plane.
- [Mrs. Raven gives Arnie a sly look.]
Piers: Ella said something about Thermoman helping us, i've got to get on that show Janet, even if there's no-one left to watch it.
Janet: You better come in then, he won't be long.
Piers: Thank you, [walks in] it's madness out there, mass panic, traffic jams, rioting in the streets. One man even shook his fist at me and said it was all my fault.
Janet: Course it's not your fault.
Piers: Weird looking bloke, he had no fingers on his hand.
- [Mrs. Raven gives Arnie another sly look.]
- [Exterior shot of 57 Linden Court with the subtitle "Two Hours Later".]
Piers: Oh please let him come soon, i'm too important to die.
Thermoman: [arrives] Greetings, lucky few of Northolt.
Piers: At last.
Thermoman: Step into the bathroom, and i'll have you in Australia in one second.
Tyler: Thank you master. [walks into the bathroom]
'Thermoman: You will all stay there until this emergency is over, now if you'd care to follow Tyler.
Tyler: [walks back in] Wow! Australia's just like England, and you've all beaten me to it.
Thermoman: You haven't been yet.
Tyler: But you said in one second.
Thermoman: Tyler get your things.
Janet: Are you ready Cassie?
'Cassie: I'm sorry mummy, it's too late, granny's already dead.
Janet: What? [turns to see Ella apparently dead] Oh my. [to Stanley] Dad.
Stanley: What love?
Janet: It's mum, i think she's...
Piers: Leave it to me Janet. [walks over to Ella to check her pulse, he doesn't find one] I'm sorry Janet, i'm afraid your mother's passed on.
Arnie: D'you wanna say a little prayer before we go Mr. Dawkins?
Stanley: That's alright i'm already saying one [looks guilty].
Thermoman: Janet, i am so sorry.
Janet: Thank you, can you take the others first please i'd like to stay a moment or two.
Cassie: You can't bring her back Janet i've already told you, she's gone.
- [Everyone has a second of silence when Ella snorts, waking up.]
Ella: Oh, just dosed off for a second, we off then?
Stanley: Would you believe it, oh joy, she's not dead, [turns very tearful] just asleep.
Cassie: Mummy, [Thermoman and Janet listen to her in private.] what's asleep?
Janet: [Janet is shocked, Thermoman has a "oh yeah" expression.] Well i'm not telling the Northern Hemisphere.
[Exterior shot of 57 Linden Court at nightime.]
- [Scene: 57 Linden Court, the bedroom, Cassie is in bed next to Ollie in his cot, Janet is by the door.]
Ollie: Sorry mummy.
Janet: It's alright darling, you just confused being dead with being asleep.
Ollie: Yes, any idiot could do it.
Janet: Sssh, Ollie, knock it off now. :[Walks into the living room, sits on the sofa and turns on the news.]
'Natasha Kaplinsky: [on TV] Following today's false alarm the world is tonight in chaos with millions struggling to get back from Australia. Ex-Minister Claire Short was one of the first to arrive back in Heathrow where the government refused to let her in. Meanwhile Thermoman has come into the studio to make a brief public statement.
Thermoman: I'm sorry, i'm so sorry, i'm really really sorry.
Natasha Kaplinsky: Thermoman there, experts say...
Thermoman: I really am sorry.
Natasha Kaplinsky: So you should be, [to the camera] experts say it will take some days before Britain's transport system is back to normal, and some decades before it's running properly.
- [Thermoman appears extremely humiliated on tv, he comes back to the flat as George immedately after.]
Janet: You alright?
George: Today has been the most humiliating day of my entire life, out daughter's a complete idiot.
Janet: Sssh, she'll hear you.
George: Well she won't do it again, tomorrow morning i'm taking her back.
Janet: What d'you mean taking her back.
George: She's faulty so i'm taking her back, we'll just make another one.
Janet: No you're not.
George: Come on it'll only take us two ticks.
Arnie: Not if you're sleeping on the sofa it won't come 'ere. [drags him to the bedroom and shows him Cassie] Look, d'you want to send that back?
- [Cassie gives George puppy dog eyes.]
George: Well i suppose we could keep her for a bit, she how she turns out.
Ollie: Can we have the nightlight on?
George: Of course. [reaches for the switch]
Cassie: I've had a vision, another accident with the lights.
George: No more visions and you're wrong, i switched the light fitting. [presses the switch, George is sent hovering above the ground, screaming as he is electrocuted.]
- [Exterior shot of 57 Linden Court with the subtitle "Three Weeks Later".]
- [Scene: 57 Linden Court, the living room, Cassie is in her pram as George and Janet watch tv.</poem>
Cassie: Daddy i've just had another...
George: Cassie, no more visions.
Cassie: But this is a nice vision, in three seconds we will all be very happy.
Janet: Really, how?
- [Cassie turns on the television, I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here is on as Piers is doing a bushtucker trial.]
Piers: [On the floor surrounded by Spiders and Snakes, screaming.] Arghhh! Get me out of here! Help.
- [End credits]