- [Scene: 57 Linden Court, the living room, an exhausted George makes two cupd of coffee.]
- [George yawns.]
- [Janet walks out of the bedroom, equally exhausted.]
George: I don't care what they say, babies are more knackering than volcanoes. [gives Janet a cup of Coffee] What have we created Janet?
Janet: I know, how can something so small cause such havoc.
George: [thinking she's referring to his manhood] There's no need to be personal.
Janet: I meant the baby.
George: D'you think he's settled yet, my eyes won't even focus.
- [They both listen to the baby monitor.]
Janet: Sounds like it.
Ollie: [Bursts through the top of the bedroom door and flies around George and Janet.] Zneet Znadders Zneet mummy and daddy. [flies back through the hole]
George: No he hasn't settled yet.
- [Opening credits]
- [Later on, George is relaxed and is holding Ollie while sitting on the sofa.]
George: Okay now, try again.
- [Ollie sniffs]
George: Alright, one more go.
- [Ollie sniffs again, causing the curtains to blow wildly, knocking off objects.]
Janet: [walks out of the bedroom] George what are you doing?
George: Teaching him to sniff out tidal waves.
Janet: Oh that'll teach him to fit in at playgroup.
George: Hey, he's already pretty good at sniffing out forest fires, go on son, find me a fire.
- [Ollie uses his breath to light a plant in the middle of the dinner table on fire.]
Janet: George!
George: [George uses his breath to extinguish the flame and then chuckles.] He-he did you see what he just did, [chuckles], you little rascal.
Janet: Yes, George there's something we need to discuss.
George: I'm listening.
Ollie: So am i.
Janet: D'you think he hears everything we do?
Ollie: You better believe it.
- [Ollie sniffs]
George: Tidal wave?
Ollie: Nappy change.
- [George gives Ollie to Janet]
Janet: Come on little precious one, then you can have a little sleep hey, [to George] and mummy and daddy can have a little chat. [goes to get a nappy] It's quite strange his poo George.
George: Is it?
Janet: Well, it smells of strawberries and cream.
George: Great isn't it, don't you like it?
Janet: No-no it's lovely it's just you're not meant to look foward to your baby pooing.
Ollie: [Throws a nappy into the nappy bin on the other side of the room.] Bullseye!
Janet: Well done darling.
Ollie: Tired now.
George: Ah.
Janet: Ah. George, he's perfect don't get me wrong, but i was sort of hoping he'd be a bit more like me.
George: Well, he can have the operation when he's older but surely that's for him to decide.
Janet: No i meant normal.
George: Janet, any boy who looks like you would not be normal.
Janet: No, i meant Human normal, i've got a baby that can talk and fly and set fire to things.
George: And do the hoovering.
Janet: Oh that is a bonus granted.
George: Oh i see what's troubling you, he's a bit advanced.
Janet: A bit? George, Northolt mums think burping is a sign of genius.
George: So do Northolt men, i've seen them when the pubs close.
George: Don't worry Janet, i'll instruct him in basic dumbing down, he'll understand, he wasn't born yesterday.
Janet: Yes he was.
George: Yes he was, that's the problem.
Janet: [walks to the dinner table] And he's gonna have to learn fast before my parents see him, and they're gonna want to see him before the christening. [takes a cup of coffee]
George: What's the christening?
Janet: It's when he's accepted into the Church, you've heard of Jesus Christ?
George: That's usually what people say when they see Thermoman.
Janet: Well, he's a really good man who healed the sick and walked on water.
George: The baby walked on water last night in the bath, Jesus was an Ultronian.
- [The doorbell rings, George uses his X-Ray vision to check who it is.]
Janet: No, no need i know my mother's ring. George they cannot see him until he's got A-Level Normal [pushes Ollie's pram into the bedroom] get rid of them.
George: [quietly] Okay.
- [George opens the door to see Ella and Stanley, who is holding a lifesize Kangaroo with a Joey in it's pouch.]
Ella: [excited tone] Here's grandma! [puts her coat on the armchair] Where's my little boy? Why have you been keeping my grandson from me?
George: Babies do shock easily Ella. [notices the Kangaroo model Stanley is holding] Oh, nice Kangaroo Stanley.
Stanley: I saw it in the shops and i just had to have it.
George: Lovely, and have you brought the baby anything?
Stanley: It's for the baby. [puts the Kangaroo down]
Ella: And we want to give it to him... [notices the hole in the door] ...why have you got a hole in your door?
George: I'm making a babyflap. [walks over to the kitchen]
Ella: [taps her head, referring to George] Barking.
Stanley: Hmm.
- [Janet walks out of the bedroom.]
Ella: Ah Janet there you are, we've come to see our little grandson.
Janet: Oh i am sorry you can't.
Ella: Can't, why not?
George: He's out.
Ella and Stanley: Out!?
George: Yeah, won't be back for hours.
Janet: What George means is he's out like a light, i've just got him off to sleep.
Ollie: [sings through the baby monitor] Fly me to the Moon.
Janet: [rushes to the montior and turns it off] With the help of that record, if he wakes now he'll be up for ages.
George: We'd never stop him flying...
Janet: [to George] Crying.
- [George nods]
Ella: Well couldn't we just peek?
Janet: No! No, he's the lightest sleeper mum, [yawns] we're both exhausted aren't we George.
George: [yawns] Oh, we certainly are. I'm so tired i'd need a couple of matchsticks to keep my thighs open.
- [Ella and Stanley appear shocked at George.]
Janet: It's eyes George.
George: Oh right, that makes much more sense.
Ella: Yes well, we'll leave you to get some sleep then.
Janet: Thanks mum.
Ella: Just as soon as we've seen some baby photos, [goes to the armchair with Stanley] after all we haven't seen you since the birth have we Stanley?
Stanley: No, and we've missed you my precious. [sniffs] Oo something smells nice, [sniffs again] is it strawberries and cream?
George: [has a nervous look since the smell is actually Ollie's poo] Em...
Stanley: I wouldn't say no to a bowl of that.
George: I think you might.
Ella: [shows Stanley the photos] Look Stanley there he is sleeping. [they both go Ahhh] Ahhh there he is crying. [they both ahhh again] There he is, eating a slice of Pizza?
Janet: No, [takes the photo] that's a joke he's not really eating it.
- [Ollie flies into the living room but Ella and Stanley haven't noticed.]
Janet: Oh God.
Ella: What?
Ollie: Nappy change.
- [George gives Ollie to Janet]
Janet: Come on little precious one, then you can have a little sleep hey, [to George] and mummy and daddy can have a little chat. [goes to get a nappy] It's quite strange his poo George.
George: Is it?
Janet: Nothing, nothing at all, oh look i've got some more photos over here. Oh that's a nice one.
- [Janet takes them to the sofa trying to cover their backs while George tries to catch Ollie.]
Ella: So he is, you know, normal?
Janet: Oh absolutely normal yes he's as normal as normal can be.
Ella: Any little signs he's advanced for his age?
- [Ollie rises up behind the sofa reading a book watching Ella and Stanley]
Janet: No not really no.
Stanley: Precious out there, we've all got our own little quirks.
George: Oh you have no idea dad, [yawns and rests on Stanley who pats her head] oh i'm sorry.
Stanley: We better be going Ella.
- [Ella and Stanley get up to find George with a moving hump (Ollie) underneath his shirt.]
Ella: What are you doing?
George: Nothing, d-don't mind me, just muscle spasms.
- [George walks off to the bedroom.]
Ella: Reassure me George, is the baby anything like you?
George: Oh don't worry Ella, he's the spitting image.
- [Ella sighs in dissapointment.]
Stanley: [puts his arm around Ella] He's got Dawkins' blood, lets not abandon hope just yet.
Janet: Well thanks for coming.